i am not for sale. (rent negotiable)

i am so tired of being broke. i know that i am wealthy compared to most people but that is relativist, and i am not in the mood for relativity. the guy at the bank said he was worried about my net worth. really? me too! i want to fix it, but i don't know how to do it without changing my life. i like my life and don't want to change it for money. the thought of it makes me feel cheap and sad.

why am i broke? i'm bad with money. i like to give money away. it makes me feel good. i also like spending money, especially on food and travel and books and clothes. the food and travel are nonpermanent, and the books and clothes are semipermanent. i don't care. it's what i like. i also like parties and presents and music and booze. i am a grasshopper.

i've read that if you are bad with money, it means that you don't respect money. yup, that's me. i think that people who love money are tools and that people who sock their money away in investments to get wealthy are greedy and desperate. there is something ghoulish/predatory about wealth building that makes me feel very superior about my lack of rrsps. that being said, i have a horrible symbiotic relationship with the investor class. i need these people to put their money in the bank so that i can borrow it and spend it and pay it back with interest in a never ending cycle.

so i will always be broke unless i earn a barrel of money.

i know. i said that i didn't want to change my life for money. well, i'm in the process of changing my life and i'm not doing it for money. (one of the side effects of my choice is a good paycheck.) i will be an indentured servant for a while. i have almost reconciled myself to this loss of freedom. i'm doing this because i am through with second guessing myself. it is something i can do, and so i'm doing it. the door was open for a long time. now it's closed. there're a lot of doors in the world, and i'm finally ready to explore something other than my own belly button. and i won't lie. the paycheck will be nice.

okay, mr. banker. you are worried about my net worth. right now i am a bad bet, i agree. but what about my future? i am not completely incompetent. i have a plan. i am only 30. i am going into a three year program that will make me a valuable employee. i have two school age children and don't plan on ever taking maternity leave again. i'm just going to work hard at a pretty lucrative career. my husband already has a good job. also, i bought a house when i was 24, and it has more than doubled in value. don't be a short-sighted wanker. invest in me! get in on the ground floor of something good.

for my part i will try hard to see you as a tragic wish-i-was-a-dancer cog in the machine, rather than a grim and scheming dollar hungry creep.