more thoughts on the 'modern girl'
i love being married. it is great having someone to rely on when i falter, someone who has committed to living with me despite my faults and looking out for me when i can't do it myself. and i like being able to return the favour when i can. i also love walking, sleeping, playing, cooking, eating, laughing, talking with the best man i know. i love being married.
i guess what i was trying to say is that i have found it/still find it tough to be a wife and mother without losing independence, freedom, choice and willpower. i like to believe that i'm a pretty strong woman, but i have not found it easy or comfortable walking the line between *me* and *us*.
i have been in conflict with societal values and public opinion on almost a daily basis for the past eleven years for acting in a way that friends and/or family have considered outside the boundaries of proper wifely/motherly behaviour. i hate the idea of giving up on me, losing to often overwhelming push toward the stepford.
DISCLAIMER #1: i know that i am coming at it from a different perspective than a single thirtysomething woman might do, but it's the only perspective i have.
DISCLAIMER #2: even though i feel this way, sometimes i give in and do something that feels weird and awkward and 100% 'not me' in order to make one of the boys more comfortable.
besides the personal, i guess that i'm also ideologically opposed to the self-infantilization of capable women. to me, it's not theory. i know and talk to a mixed bag of women every day. some are mothers on prozac because their lives feel empty and all they can talk about is what they used to be. others are law students who are desperate to let go of their lives and let someone else (big sugar daddy) take over. it makes me sad (and frustrated, i admit) to think that something as important as who *you* are can be lost so easily and so willingly.
with so much opportunity, with the world at our feet, why are we willing to give it up?
i guess what i was trying to say is that i have found it/still find it tough to be a wife and mother without losing independence, freedom, choice and willpower. i like to believe that i'm a pretty strong woman, but i have not found it easy or comfortable walking the line between *me* and *us*.
i have been in conflict with societal values and public opinion on almost a daily basis for the past eleven years for acting in a way that friends and/or family have considered outside the boundaries of proper wifely/motherly behaviour. i hate the idea of giving up on me, losing to often overwhelming push toward the stepford.
DISCLAIMER #1: i know that i am coming at it from a different perspective than a single thirtysomething woman might do, but it's the only perspective i have.
DISCLAIMER #2: even though i feel this way, sometimes i give in and do something that feels weird and awkward and 100% 'not me' in order to make one of the boys more comfortable.
besides the personal, i guess that i'm also ideologically opposed to the self-infantilization of capable women. to me, it's not theory. i know and talk to a mixed bag of women every day. some are mothers on prozac because their lives feel empty and all they can talk about is what they used to be. others are law students who are desperate to let go of their lives and let someone else (big sugar daddy) take over. it makes me sad (and frustrated, i admit) to think that something as important as who *you* are can be lost so easily and so willingly.
with so much opportunity, with the world at our feet, why are we willing to give it up?
posted by mo | 7:01 p.m.
3 Comments:
hey baby,
I hear you loud & clear. It's a fine line, you said it. Having not lived with a man for many moons, i forget how blurry the line can be with regards to your own identity. I guess just now as a single woman in my 30's, i feel like i'm more equipped to handle the balance, because i have learned that i'm not willing to abandon myself so quickly.
not making much sense. Need more caffeine.
xoc
Modernity, eh? I think most of the couples I know are pretty good at sharing responsibility... I feel like we often fight against the cliche, the instinct to fulfill it.
But my Queen of Chaos, she mixes it up good. I think she's dirtier than me...
i think about this a lot. i'm basically a housewife these days. in some ways it's fun. i really, really like not working. in fact, i *love* not having to go to an office every day, only to collapse on the weekend and wonder if this is what life's supposed to be about.
still, bills need to be paid, and if, while jay's out there paying them with his labour, i'm not cooking or cleaning, or just being here for his son, then i'm less of a partner, and more of a house cat, am i not?
the problem, as i see it, is two-fold. a) i hate housework, and so when it's expected of me frequently i become wildly bitchy. nothing seems worth it. which brings me to b) we seriously undervalue domestic work, still. when are we going to figure this out as a species? this may be my only life on this planet, and if anyone is expecting me to spend even one hour of it wiping my stepson's piss off the floor, they better be thinking it's worth more than 15 bucks.
i'm kind of an all-or-nothing gal, which, due to my capacity for sloth, often makes me a nothing gal but this isn't the point -- the point is, when a person makes it their work, their job, to keep a house tidy, the other people in that house, who the person would like to actually love, become obstacles to that job getting done, to any job satisfaction, or to job related self esteem. hours spent at kitchen scrubbing is mocked in seconds by dirty dishes thoughtlessly set down at the sink, or dirty shoes in the hall.
this is why i have to not care about cleaning. because if i cared, i would turn into a nazi and hate everyone i lived with -- for making my life harder, and for not recognizing the profound importance of my time. what executive goes to work *every* day to find 20 percent of the previous days work undone? housework is truly a job unlike any other.
that said, if you dig it, go for it, i say. maybe being a housewife is starting to look more fun for women because we're less uptight than we used to be. we can go to book clubs and craft groups and poker nights and mom and baby yoga and talk about birth control and sex positions and relationships in ways that our 50's counterparts couldn't imagine. being a housewife today doesn't have to be so isolating and crazy making, and it obviously wouldn't be the product of societal pressure, either. we all know women can be doctors.
the tricky thing is to not get trapped, i guess. but that goes for guys, too. trapped in a job to support the wife and kids, trapped in the home, supporting the husband and kids... the main difference is that, like i said, we undervalue the work of homemaking, and also, that it never ends. at least the husband can come home to a change of pace.
anyway, this is becoming a novel. i think i need to go out and buy a cake platter. :D
Post a Comment
<< Home